Forgiving the “Unforgiveable” - Churches & Child Molesters
An Indiana Church recently made national headlines when they publicly supported an admitted child molester, calling the church a “hospital for sinners”. The child’s family is outraged that the church would “embrace a criminal and turn its back on the victim.” Who is right?
Fox News is reporting the story of College Park Church, a church in Indiana, that has faced a horrible situation and come up with a unique and perhaps troubling situation: a child was molested, and the church responded by attempting to help both the child AND her attacker. They’ve given both families money and have invited both to stay. The child’s family has left the church in anger. They can’t believe the church would embrace a criminal and essentially turn its back on the victim.
The 3-year old girl was molested while the man was babysitting her last year. The family has brought charges, and the man is facing over 100 years in prison. I applaud the family for having the courage to follow this through. However, I also applaud the church for trying to support both parties. That is indeed rare. While well-intentioned, I do think they are a bit off in their approach. There is, perhaps, a better way to accomplish what they are trying to do here.
A quote from the story haunts me (from the Indianapolis Star): Doug Pabody, counseling director at College Park, said officials of the nondenominational Christian church would be shirking their duties if they didn’t attempt to help “both the crime victim and the victimizer.” “I’ve been in churches where things like this would happen and no attempt would be made to minister (to the accused), which is a shame,” Pabody said. “They’re pushed out the door and made to go away, and I, for one, am very proud to be part of a church family that isn’t afraid to go into the trenches.”
Churches should definitely be about the business of redemption - even of the worst of the worst. However, keeping “the worst” in contact with the person they’ve harmed cannot possibly be in the best interest of the child. We’re not talking about adults who have hurt each other. When adults are harmed - even when that sin is grave indeed - they have a capacity to choose whether or not to forgive.
But children are not small adults.
Here is a small child who has been horribly hurt. I can speak to this, having been hurt at that age. My abuse was not caught “then”. I don’t know what it would have been like to have protective adults in my life, trying to help. Nor do I know what it would have been like to have had counseling at the age of three.
But in my mind’s eye, I can see a little girl with shattered trust in men, a mom who is perhaps afraid to let her out of her sight now, and a dad who’d like to chew up the guy who did it and spit him out. Absolutely volatile.
The mom and dad have much to learn about Christlike forgiveness - as does the molester. That’s not something that can be forced or enforced. The Holy Spirit must bring that. Yes, the church can encourage it, they can counsel and they can love… but this level of forgiveness cannot be wrought by the human mind and heart.
The little girl must forgive, too - and perhaps, because of her age, if she sees a Christian counselor who is skilled, gentle, and allows her to work through the issues this has raised, it will be easier for her to forgive than for the adults. Only if her parents allow her to, though. Only if. All too often, children will adopt the social cues of the parents when choosing what attitude to bear toward a third party. Knowing that “Daddy hates that man” may influence a child’s capacity to forgive and move beyond the abuse.
Yet even in the best of situations - a family that can walk in radical forgiveness - does not mean that she should have ongoing contact with her attacker at church. To do so would keep the situation ever in memory, not allowing her to move above and beyond it.
What should the church do to support such a one, to walk in love and forgiveness, to act as a hospital for sinners? I guess it would depend on a few things. The Apostle Paul concluded 1 Corinthians 5, a chapter on sexual immorality in the church, with “put away from yourselves the evil person.” In 2 Corinthians, Paul talks about receiving a repentant person back into the church.
If this man is TRULY repentant for his crimes, then yes - the church should be working to help him. Judging true repentance for pedophilia is awfully difficult, and should be undertaken with care.
If he’s not truly repentant, then the church has no business trying to “help” him - and that’s biblical, folks.
Yet when it comes to shattered lives, what can the church do? Should this man who has harmed so much be allowed to remain a member of the flock? Should this little girl be forced to see him every Sunday? Isn’t that too much to ask?
In my opinion, yes. This isn’t a case of Person A offending Person B, when the people involved are adults or the offense is something that the people involved should simply “get over”. Sexual abuse of children must be in a class of its own.
Assuming this man is, in fact, truly repentant and therefore in need of the church’s help, I would propose that the church find a sister church that is willing to get involved. Yes, a lot of pastors would say, “NIMBY!” (Not In My Backyard!”) to this man - but those pastors who are willing to do what the Bible says would take him into their church.
There would have to be appropriate safeguards. Two might be a written behavioral contract between the church leadership, this man, and his legal
overseers while he is out of prison (the judge, a probation officer, etc.) and an escort at all times while on church property. When he goes to prison, the church can assist with the transition. Depending on the location of the prison, they either provide chaplaincy for him there or find an area church with a prison ministry that can assist in that area.
Both pastors (from the outgoing and incoming churches) would do well to call the Christian Law Association for sound advice. cLA will be able to counsel them regarding a variety of issues, including how to best help and protect the victim, how to prevent future issues, and how to safeguard both churches from legal challenges.
This protocol would accomplish two purposes.
First, it would keep the abused and abuser apart. The child and the family would have the space necessary to fully heal and fully forgive the person who did this - something that will take time and support. They will be surrounded by people who know and love them. Some of these people may know the situation, and many of them probably won’t. The pastoral staff and family will need to decide how to best manage this - something which will be unique to each situation. There must be a balance between privacy and secrecy, support and control. If the church wants to offer money, as College Park did (ostensibly for counseling services), care must be taken that this is perceived correctly. These are areas in which advice from CLA will be invaluable for the pastor, board, and family. In nearly every case, the
church wants to do the right thing. Care must be taken that it be done in the right way.
IF a time were to come when all involved (including legal counsel) thought it were appropriate to facilitate a meeting between the child and the person who abused them, this could be accomplished in a carefully controlled fashion.
Second, it would allow the abuser to repent and be restored in the body of Christ, in a manner that fits the gravity of the situation and that honors the person who was harmed. The church can, indeed, go into the trenches - as the Counseling Pastor at College Park said - yet in so going, they must still protect the most vulnerable among them. This scenario also protects the abuser, the church, and the children within the church by perpetually surrounding that person with supervision. There can never be another situation, or even the temptation for such, if there is a trustworthy companion with the (now former) abuser at all times on church property.
If the Body of Christ is to be committed to absolute Christlikeness and forgiveness, then we must indeed be able to help the worst of the worst. Yet in so doing, we must be very careful that we do not fall into a trap of making matters worse for the fragile and vulnerable among us. College Park Church really is trying to do the right thing here - they are, however, going about it in the wrong way.