Break the Silence

imageIt’s amazing to me – and heartbreaking – to see the number of people who comment on and share my posts about narcissistic sociopathic + Jezebel abuse, and the number of people who’ve called, private messaged, or emailed me about it.

What’s more amazing to me, and even more heartbreaking, is that most of the situations were genuinely
THIS situation (it’s not a disaffected lover or person with an axe to grind, or someone who just dealt with a jerk) – most of the situations were family (either biological or church) –  most involved systematic abuse that spanned years – most were situations that could have been noticed by others – and most did NOT involve physical abuse.

In most of the situations the person who was abused ended up at the brink of despair for a long season in their lives. It caused them to shut down, become a shell of their former selves. Their stories of recovery awe and inspire me.

There’s a whole lot of elephants in a whole lot of rooms.

One factor in every single story (including our own) is that each one felt forced into silence, both by the abuser, and by the culture they lived in or perceived.

Let me clarify that last statement – some cultures do, literally, force people into silence with accusations like I’m about to list. In other situations (including my own) 95% of those accusations were in our own minds, not in reality; they were introduced to us not by people in that culture, but by the abuser as part of gaslighting. Ken and I were  terrified to speak up, because we had been told repeatedly what happens to people who do.

Why, it’s gossiping if you ask for help or if you tell other people what’s happened to you! You’re triangulating. You’re saying things that just can’t be true. Slander. You’re being dishonouring. Everyone loves that person. You’re over-reacting. It didn’t really happen. You’re acting like a jilted lover. It’s really your fault for putting yourself into that position. Maybe it’s really YOU that’s the narcissistic sociopath. Anyone who accuses a leader has a Jezebel spirit. you’re an ungrateful child.  You can’t talk about, or disagree with, Mother/Father/Leader – you’re supposed to follow them. If you don’t, that’s insubordinate or you’re not in alignment or you’re going to miss out on God’s blessings or or or or or OR… 

I’ve heard all of that … And you know what folks? That’s nonsense, and it’s time to expose it as nonsense.

Not only is it nonsense, people who perpetrate it have a name: flying monkeys. Named after the wicked witch of the west’s protectors, people with flying monkey syndrome will move to aggressively protect and defend the sociopath, at all costs. These folks have another name – “secondary supply”. Sophisticated sociopaths build themselves layers and layers of supporters, and they leech off every layer. All of the affirmation and accolades that come from that secondary supply help to prop the abuser up and give them seemingly unlimited levels of “credibitility” and influence.

All of this is borne out of a system of control. It’s the same culture that’s covered up sexual abuse in both the Catholic and Mennonite churches GENERATIONALLY. It’s the same culture that has left broken, addicted, abandoned children GENERATIONALLY. It’s the same culture that has caused people to walk out of church and even away from God.  In churches, this is not a culture not of honour, but of extreme dishonour – not just for people, but for the offices they hold. It’s satanic in origin (remember, satan was the very first sociopath).

That’s not what Heaven looks like. That’s not what a culture of honour looks like. That’s not what unity looks like.

And it’s time to break the silence. It’s time to shine the light of Heaven upon this cancer that is destroying homes, families, churches, neighbourhoods, workplaces. It’s time to destroy the yoke.

Practical steps:

#1 – tell your story. You don’t necessarily have to name names. In fact, there’s times when that would only serve to feed the perpetrator and give them ammunition against you. Start pointing out the fact that there’s an elephant in the room and it’s sitting on people and pooping all over; people will start to catch on.

#2 – own your story. It really did happen to you; and it’s shaped you both into the person you’ve become, and the person God has always dreamed you would be. He works all things out for your good and His glory – even this. Release all shame, guilt, and condemnation off from yourself – those are tools of the enemy that the person who abused you would LOVE for you to remain in bondage to.

#3 – When someone else tells you their story, listen. Sit with them. BELIEVE THEM. Let them rant and cry and rage and swear. I am forever grateful to two friends who let me do that. That led me to a place where I was able to speak up, get help, and ultimately heal.

#4 – It is absolutely within your power to stop abuse that is happening to you. Get out, get help, get into a safe situation. Go zero contact with the abuser immediately. It may be hard to do – but do it anyway. When it’s within your power to take steps to stop the abuse of another person, do so. If that’s not within your power, then stand with the person who’s being abused and insist that the problem be dealt with.

#5 – Refuse to ever be abused again – but at the same time, refuse to become bitter, broken, and walled in. Keep your heart tender before the Lord and other people. Get healing. Learn how to establish and enforce boundaries and maintain right (and truly honourable) relationships. If the person who abused you becomes contrite, wants to hug you, wants everything to be okay, maintain the zero contact. If they howl and rail against you and make threats and speak evil of you, maintain zero contact. Remember – they literally FEED off your reaction, and starve when you don’t react. We had started to slip on that rule and Holy Spirit showed us that apart from genuine repentance on the abuser’s part (which hasn’t happened), all we’d be doing is feeding the monster all over again and giving it renewed credibility in its community. We literally walk past this person like they do not exist and give one-word answers ONLY if ABSOLUTELY necessary. (Remember, the Apostle Paul turned two guys over to satan that they might learn not to blaspheme – the reason was that concerning the faith, they “made shipwreck” – I don’t believe that was their own faith; I believe that was the faith of others. 1 Timothy 1:19-20)

#6 – If you see an abuser step into a situation of control and abuse over someone else, speak up. Let those in authority know what is happening and that it’s the same thing that was done to you.

There is one reason, and one reason only, why sociopathy/narcissism/Jezebel is so strong and prevalent today: We’ve allowed it. We’ve stood in silence, we’ve made excuses for behaviour, we’ve been taken in by charm and charisma, we’ve covered over elephant poop. Just as nature abhors a vacuum, so do evil spirits – they’ll step right into position if position exists.

That spirit wishes to be king for a day – and forever – and has tried to slide into that role … now it’s time for us to depose it from its imaginary throne and strip it of its power just like Jesus did in Colossians 2:15. Darkness must be destroyed.

In the process, people who’ve been abused will be healed and begin to thrive again … hopefully, people who are afflicted by this spirit on the inside will be set free as well. Although modern medicine says that sociopathy is incurable, I disagree. Sociopaths, Jezebels, and Narcissists can be set free. God is more powerful than any demonic presence and He is more powerful than any stronghold of trauma in the heart. If you’re reading this and you know that you’re “one of those people”, you can get help and be set free from this. Jesus wants you whole.