Why I write – and why I won’t stop

I started making occasional Facebook posts about healing from sociopathic abuse, and suddenly dozens of people – mostly women, a few men – said “me, too. I suffered this too. I lived through this. I can’t seem to break free, even though it was years past. Can you help, can you advise, what does your process look like?”

And so I thought – let’s expand the format and make it part of Iamhealed.net, where I’ve told miracle testimonies and done blogging in the past. You can sort through about a million old blog posts and get to know me some. You’ll also see a gap of a few years where I didn’t blog much – and that, in retrospect, was due to agreeing with the sociopath about some key things, and withdrawing even further.

Since I started writing, God has opened so much up to me. (I highly recommend you do the same – not necessarily in a public blog, though. Buy yourself a nice journal, or get yourself a OneNote or Evernote account)

I don’t care to expose the whole stinking mess unless God tells me specifically to do that (and I’d be surprised if He did), and I try to be careful to remove details.

This is why I write very generically. I must be doing a decent job of it, because a friend I was speaking to yesterday had read many of my posts and didn’t realize that the abuse was not in our distant past, but happened more recently.

I write because now Ken and I are at a place to help people. Our experiences and my healing process are very typical for this type of abuse. Our walk and process with God in healing stand as a testimony to the whole world – this IS survivable, you CAN get your life back, you CAN go on to greatness despite what happened.

Remember that song, “I sing because I’m happy?” — well, I’m writing because I’m happy. Happiness is something that was systematically removed from our lives – and we have reclaimed it – and we’re committed to sharing it now.

 

Same lie

Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Jezebels all do the same thing – they offer to sell you something you already have. They’ll tell you that you will never succeed without them, that your gifts aren’t welcome except through them, that you cannot advance without their support, that apart from them you’re nothing, that now that they’ve come along, you’ll be all that you’re supposed to be.

The same deceit was perpetrated in the Garden of Eden. It’s the very lie that satan spoke to the woman … “Has God indeed said?”

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The Stages of Healing

Healing is a progression:

Step 1: It sucks.
Step 2: It sucked.
Step 3: It sucked, but I’m ok.
Step 4: Life is grand!
Step 5: Let me help others who are at step 1 in this journey.

I think it’s fairly common to cycle through these steps, even irregularly … You might be at a level 1, take a vacation, and escalate to a 4 – then come back down to a 1 or 2. Or you might have days where you go between 3, 4, 5 all day long. Or you might be at a steady 4-5 and suddenly go back to step 1 because of a confrontation with the abuser or the abuser’s supporters (yep, been there).

Don’t get the guilties over it, my friends. Make the decision daily to come up higher, to go deeper in Jesus, from wherever you happen to be. Over time, healing will hold steady.

Never honour dishonour

Never honor dishonor. Mordecai never honored Haman. He was defiant to the dishonor in Haman. Jesus was defiant to the dishonor in the sons of hell. When we honor dishonorable people in our lives we open up ourselves to abuse. Abusers honor dishonor. To honor those who grieve the Holy Spirit is to dishonor the Holy Spirit. The seasons that lies ahead of us is not calling for community with dishonor but communion with Christ’s Order. – Ricardo Watson

Happy

You can be happy.

One of the saddest moments in my journey was when the person who abused me said, “You have no right to be happy, and you shouldn’t pursue happiness.” And in a moment of wanting to please, I ditched happiness. Even after things hit the fan and I began to recover, I still somehow clung to the insane idea that something is wrong with happiness.

Then I found this in the Word of God (and this and this and this):

Gen 30:13 – Then Leah said, “I am happy, for the daughters will call me blessed.” So she called his name Asher.

Deu 33:29 – Happy are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the LORD…

1Ki 10:8 – Happy are your men and happy are these your servants, who stand continually before you and hear your wisdom!

Job 5:17 – Behold, happy is the man whom God corrects; Therefore do not despise the chastening of the Almighty.

Psa 127:5 – Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them…

Psa 128:2 – When you eat the labor of your hands, You shall be happy, and it shall be well with you.

Psa 144:15 – Happy are the people who are in such a state; Happy are the people whose God is the LORD!

Psa 146:5 Happy is he who has the God of Jacob for his help, Whose hope is in the LORD his God,

Pro 3:13 Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding;

Pro 3:18 She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her, And happy are all who retain her.

Pro 16:20 He who heeds the word wisely will find good, And whoever trusts in the LORD, happy is he.

There are certainly more – but surely that’s enough to convince you that God WANTS you to be happy, isn’t it?

I put the last one in bold because I really believe that the issue of happiness is tied in to an attitude of trust. I also believe that this is a universal principle among sociopaths – to rob their supply of happiness (in effect, leaching it for themselves) and to set themselves up as a false god in whom you place your trust. OF COURSE it doesn’t look like that when you’re in the thick of things … But once you escape, it becomes fairly obvious.

Just like a certain entity in a certain garden, someone came to you and said “Has God indeed said?” And, just like the woman, we see that the fruit being offered is “desirable” … And, just like the woman, we become trapped. The enemy has a hook in you, and it’s called idolatry. (Gosh – that is a hard word. It makes it seem like I’m saying that victims are the ones in the wrong. I’ll write about my thoughts on that in another post). 

Idolatry is simply what happens when we trust in something other than God, including when we use an intermediary other than Jesus between us and God. It happens when we mis-place our trust in man. It happens when a sociopath says, “Did God really say that?” And it happens when the sociopath says, “You weren’t called to that” and it happens when the sociopath says, “Are you sure? You’ve got to be sure.” And the implication is that you shouldn’t be sure at all, that you’re wrong and he’s right. (This is what gas lighting looks like).

Bottom line: You’re only happy when you’re trusting the Lord. If that trust has been systematically eroded, bit by bit over time or all at once (I’ll talk about the tactics used in another post), then it becomes IMPOSSIBLE to be happy … Until.

Break free from all of this, my friend. If you’ve been feeling miserable, if you’ve been feeling trapped, if you’ve been UN-happy, it’s time to make a change. Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand. Within the Kingdom is happiness in ever-increasing levels. God WANTS you to be happy.